How to write about nothing a la Seinfeld
November 11, 2010 Leave a comment
It seems not so long ago that I was living in an atmosphere of certainty and security – one in which I could, without a moment’s hesitation, declare with utmost confidence, and more importantly, conviction, as to where I saw myself a year or two into the future. As I sit here ostensibly trying to coax my intellect and habitually recalcitrant will to compose a coherent piece of writing that could serve to convince the deciding authorities of my hitherto undocumented ability to stitch together words and thoughts into something meaningful and reflective of the mastery of compositional skills expected of someone applying for the position for the acquisition of which I am presently presenting my self-attested credentials in the hope that this serves in no minute way to attract their highly-sought-after attention, as a youth madly in love would seek to gain the undiluted interest of the girl of his dreams, I realize that this current state of uncertainty as to what the unfathomable future has in store for me does indeed assist greatly in the goal that this otherwise unqualified writer of this piece of prose seeks to achieve, by supplying his otherwise dull mind with the creative impetus requisite for success in what he aims to accomplish here. Unable to come up with a cogent essay, which would require a concentration of mental faculties which, to this author, seems to dwarf through its inherent difficulty, especially for a person whose mind seems to derive immeasurable pleasure in jumping continually from one thought to another just as a monkey would in leaping from one tree to another, the magnitude of the task before the legendary hero Hanuman in setting at ease the mind of his worshipful master, Ram in the aftermath of the abduction of his chaste wife, I have consciously decided to circumvent this seemingly insurmountable obstacle by artfully arranging an assortment of disparate sentences to serve the dual objectives of presenting a veneer of coherence and simultaneously impressing upon even a skeptical judge the suitability of this candidate for work that would entail employing that marvelous part of the brain, a creative utilization of which has historically led to the creation of works which evoke a sense of genuine awe among the simple-minded and which lead others to cogitate over the perceived pointlessness (and, to those so inclined to characterize It thus, ill-effects) of providing an idle mind with pencil, paper and time so as to record for all eternity the resultant thoughts.
It will not require a particularly discerning reader to point out the seemingly interminable nature of the sentences presented thus far. Needless to say, such indiscriminate use of long-winded sentences does not necessarily improve the quality of an essay. And indeed, by invariably obfuscating the message one intends to convey, it might serve to impede rather than facilitate efficient communication. Given this valid objection that might have arisen in your mind, I have decided, with uncharacteristic celerity, I might add, to avoid that propensity. Ah, this new-found freedom to experiment with shorter sentences, does undoubtedly make writing significantly easier.
Having digressed from the thesis of this composition in order to point out the futility of an ostentatious display of excessively-worded sentences, let us return to a discussion of the vagaries of fate, which, after all, is purportedly the subject of this essay. With my cherished ploy of masking a deficiency of ideas behind imposing verbiage having been unceremoniously discarded, it is with a heavy heart that I make known my solemn resolve to substantively improve the subject-matter of this composition. Indeed, the courage to venture into uncharted waters, conspicuous by its absence in lives that through the passage of time inevitably fall into the trap of predictability and repetition, does rise, as a phoenix from the ashes, to its full magnificence when called upon to do so through unforeseen and deliciously challenging circumstances.
Ah let’s end this crap. The end.